People occasionally ask me, “What’s the one thing you wish marriage preparation had taught you?” The reality is that “learning one thing” is not how preparing for marriage works.

There is no retreat, class, or book that can prepare us for every joy and challenge that lies ahead. When we were preparing for marriage we knew that – but we did not know where to go for wisdom. 

By the time my husband Ryan and I were married, we had seen plenty of marital problems with friends and family. We knew marriage wasn’t easy, but we also knew many beautiful couples who were giving their “I do” anew each day. God surrounded us with beautiful witnesses to his love within the sacrament of marriage.

So to circle back to the original question: The greatest gift marriage preparation can offer isn’t having all the answers. It’s knowing who you will turn to when life raises new questions, opportunities and challenges. It took some time, but my husband and I eventually realized that we didn’t need to have everything figured out.

In the early years of our marriage when we had toddlers and babies, we were lucky if we could snatch a quick conversation with a fellow parent at the park. As the kids grew older, we began to realize we needed a different kind of wisdom. Thankfully, we were given a great gift when we found a couple who was farther along in their parenting journey whom we could trust for sage advice. Couples who have learned to forgive after being hurt, remained faithful through seasons of uncertainty, and navigated parenting decisions have a great deal of wisdom to impart. 

After walking with thousands of engaged and married couples over the past 15 years, Ryan and I have become convinced of one simple truth: marriages grow best in the company of seasoned married couples. This is one of the reasons we founded Witness to Love. We wanted engaged couples to begin their marriages with trusted relationships they could lean on for years to come. Over and over, we’ve watched those friendships become one of the greatest gifts couples receive – not just before the wedding, but long after it.

If you are preparing for marriage, take some time to think about the wise and trusted married couples in your life. If no one comes to mind, ask the Lord to place them in your path. Seek them out. Invite them to dinner. Ask them how they navigated conflict, disappointment, prayer and forgiveness. Most wise couples are honored to share what God has taught them.

Perhaps that’s the greatest lesson marriage preparation can teach us – not that we’ll have all the answers before the wedding, but that we were never meant to search for them alone.

If you are able to spend quality time with faithful husbands and wives living their vocation with humility, joy and perseverance, you will find that marriage is a vocation that unfolds over a lifetime, and we never stop growing into it.